The
start of this trip has been an absolute dream. The kind of dream where
everything that could conceivably go wildly and unexpectedly wrong...goes
wildly and unexpectedly wrong. Allow me to attempt to explain.
Part I: Leaving for Eppley Airfield (Omaha)
What I expected to happen: I expected Megan and Becca, being the two future soccer moms that they are, to arrive to the airport early for our 5:50 p.m. flight. That part happened. I expected to be on time, calling a cab at 4:40, thinking I would leisurely stroll into the airport before 5 with a smug smile and a peppy attitude. That part didn’t happen.
What actually happened: My cab was late, I resorted to Lyft. Lyft guy was "7 minutes away,"..then promptly got lost. Picked me up at 5:05, accelerated to the point where my cheeks were rattling off of my face, arrived at 5:18. Hurried to the check-in line to grab my international boarding passes, leave by 5:30 for security. HOT START.
Part I: Leaving for Eppley Airfield (Omaha)
What I expected to happen: I expected Megan and Becca, being the two future soccer moms that they are, to arrive to the airport early for our 5:50 p.m. flight. That part happened. I expected to be on time, calling a cab at 4:40, thinking I would leisurely stroll into the airport before 5 with a smug smile and a peppy attitude. That part didn’t happen.
What actually happened: My cab was late, I resorted to Lyft. Lyft guy was "7 minutes away,"..then promptly got lost. Picked me up at 5:05, accelerated to the point where my cheeks were rattling off of my face, arrived at 5:18. Hurried to the check-in line to grab my international boarding passes, leave by 5:30 for security. HOT START.
Team spirit: Acceptable
Part II: Omaha to Chicago
What we expected: We intentionally booked the early flight to connect in Chicago before the flight to Sao Paolo to give ourselves a 3-hour layover instead of just 1 hour. Expected a smooth, hour-long flight with old, young, and all races singing in harmony and hugging each other the whole way while church bells rang and little children danced at the mere thought of being on a United flight.
What actually happened: Flight delayed - oh well. Delayed again - uh oh. And again - ummmm. And then our flight got delayed a 4th time - panic setting in. And then our flight was just flat-out cancelled with no conceivable explanation - anddd we're screwed. We gave O'Hare 3 hours of wiggle room. Still didn't work.
Part II: Omaha to Chicago
What we expected: We intentionally booked the early flight to connect in Chicago before the flight to Sao Paolo to give ourselves a 3-hour layover instead of just 1 hour. Expected a smooth, hour-long flight with old, young, and all races singing in harmony and hugging each other the whole way while church bells rang and little children danced at the mere thought of being on a United flight.
What actually happened: Flight delayed - oh well. Delayed again - uh oh. And again - ummmm. And then our flight got delayed a 4th time - panic setting in. And then our flight was just flat-out cancelled with no conceivable explanation - anddd we're screwed. We gave O'Hare 3 hours of wiggle room. Still didn't work.
Team Spirit: Confused
Part
III: Backup Plan Number 1
What we expected: Let's just re-route, we'll still make it tomorrow. I call my father's travel agent Shelley, a master of the Dark Arts and one of the world's finest wizards, and she immediately magically sets us up with a backup plan. Slight problem with this plan: we were to make it to Denver by 9:15, connect on an 11:15 red eye for Miami, arrive at 5 a.m., and leave from Miami at 10 a.m. for Sao Paolo to arrive the next night at 7:30. Annoying, but had to do it in order to make it the same day.
What actually happened: I wait in line behind a couple snowbirds in their mid-80s desperate to travel south and go do some water aerobics and wear awkward speedos…for a half hour. Becca finds a gate agent, Sonja, who begins to execute our backup plan. After another half hour, Sonja, typing two-letter commands on a green screen '95 Dell, operating solely on an MS Dos platform, claims she has all of our flights held and we're good to go - we just need to go downstairs to collect our tickets. Becca awards Sonja Employee/Human of the Year - we were going to be just fine.
What actually happened after what actually happened: Arrive downstairs. More lines. United is the Disney World of airlines except you're not waiting for anything fun and nobody is smiling and no animated characters are hugging you - the only real similarities are the lines and the fat people, really. 20 more minutes, we arrive at the front desk at 8:13 p.m. (I looked, wondering how long this was going to take). Flight to Denver was scheduled at 8:18 - delayed until 9:15. This was fine because we needed this. Then it was delayed again until 9:46. Whatever. Over it. I told our man Joe what the plan was, and how all we needed was our tickets. Joe typed for about 12 minutes, making weird guttural noises and groans along the way, creating a guessing game for us as to what was actually happening on the computer screen. He explains that Sonja, whom was awarded Human of the Year just 20 minutes earlier, actually didn't book Becca on anything, and had the three of us flying to Miami, as planned, and then leaving out of Chicago the next night. Unless the flight made an emergency water landing just to pick us up in Miami, that clearly wasn't going to work. Joe took care of it though, calling the headquarters to sort things out, and getting the task done in an efficient 1 hour 7 minute time frame. Becca dubbed him the new Employee of the Year. We head upstairs at 9:20, ready to execute Backup Plan I.
Part III: Backup Plan II
What we expected: We expected our flight to Denver, which was already delayed an hour and a half, to arrive in Denver at 10:45, giving us just a half hour to make our connection to Miami. Tight, but if everything went according to plan, we'd make it.
What actually happened: Not that. Not even close. Airplane arrived 10:15. Flight attendant started barking over the intercom that we all had to be ready to board because the plane had to leave "before 10:37, or the flight will be cancelled entirely," as if the crowd wasn't quite ready to leave after 2 hours of sitting next to the gate?? We board in a calm yet mildly chaotic manner, and make it to Denver at 11 Mountain Time. Step one of the 3-step plan complete. Unfortunately, step two was already happening and we were not a part of it - our flight for Miami was gone.
Part IV: Backup Plan III
What we expected: Let's just re-route, we'll still make it tomorrow. I call my father's travel agent Shelley, a master of the Dark Arts and one of the world's finest wizards, and she immediately magically sets us up with a backup plan. Slight problem with this plan: we were to make it to Denver by 9:15, connect on an 11:15 red eye for Miami, arrive at 5 a.m., and leave from Miami at 10 a.m. for Sao Paolo to arrive the next night at 7:30. Annoying, but had to do it in order to make it the same day.
What actually happened: I wait in line behind a couple snowbirds in their mid-80s desperate to travel south and go do some water aerobics and wear awkward speedos…for a half hour. Becca finds a gate agent, Sonja, who begins to execute our backup plan. After another half hour, Sonja, typing two-letter commands on a green screen '95 Dell, operating solely on an MS Dos platform, claims she has all of our flights held and we're good to go - we just need to go downstairs to collect our tickets. Becca awards Sonja Employee/Human of the Year - we were going to be just fine.
What actually happened after what actually happened: Arrive downstairs. More lines. United is the Disney World of airlines except you're not waiting for anything fun and nobody is smiling and no animated characters are hugging you - the only real similarities are the lines and the fat people, really. 20 more minutes, we arrive at the front desk at 8:13 p.m. (I looked, wondering how long this was going to take). Flight to Denver was scheduled at 8:18 - delayed until 9:15. This was fine because we needed this. Then it was delayed again until 9:46. Whatever. Over it. I told our man Joe what the plan was, and how all we needed was our tickets. Joe typed for about 12 minutes, making weird guttural noises and groans along the way, creating a guessing game for us as to what was actually happening on the computer screen. He explains that Sonja, whom was awarded Human of the Year just 20 minutes earlier, actually didn't book Becca on anything, and had the three of us flying to Miami, as planned, and then leaving out of Chicago the next night. Unless the flight made an emergency water landing just to pick us up in Miami, that clearly wasn't going to work. Joe took care of it though, calling the headquarters to sort things out, and getting the task done in an efficient 1 hour 7 minute time frame. Becca dubbed him the new Employee of the Year. We head upstairs at 9:20, ready to execute Backup Plan I.
Part III: Backup Plan II
What we expected: We expected our flight to Denver, which was already delayed an hour and a half, to arrive in Denver at 10:45, giving us just a half hour to make our connection to Miami. Tight, but if everything went according to plan, we'd make it.
What actually happened: Not that. Not even close. Airplane arrived 10:15. Flight attendant started barking over the intercom that we all had to be ready to board because the plane had to leave "before 10:37, or the flight will be cancelled entirely," as if the crowd wasn't quite ready to leave after 2 hours of sitting next to the gate?? We board in a calm yet mildly chaotic manner, and make it to Denver at 11 Mountain Time. Step one of the 3-step plan complete. Unfortunately, step two was already happening and we were not a part of it - our flight for Miami was gone.
Part IV: Backup Plan III
What we expected: Shelley the part-time
magician had a backup to the backup to the backup plan: leave from Denver to
Charlotte at noon on Friday, then from Charlotte to Sao Paolo to arrive
Saturday at 7 a.m.
What actually happened: Shortly after arriving in Denver, United automatically re-routed us to arrive on SUNDAY. 72 hours of travel, because that makes sense. We wait in another line for a half hour. We're addicted to lines. We can't stop waiting. We make it to the front, and Brian, boy genius, tells us he doesn't have anything for us. At this point we declare this as complete malarkey and start blabbering big cities at him as if that's going to make a difference. Lightbulb moment: Dallas. He calls a friend who apparently owed him a favor - re routes us from the flight we missed heading to Miami to a flight from Denver to Dallas at 10:03 the next morning, and from Dallas to Sao Paolo at 7:30 the next night. This would arrive at 7:40 Saturday morning, a full 2 hours later than Augusto who had left his cozy abode in Los Angeles a full 15 hours after us. It's now 12:45 in the morning and we have flown for one hour. Backwards.
What actually happened: Shortly after arriving in Denver, United automatically re-routed us to arrive on SUNDAY. 72 hours of travel, because that makes sense. We wait in another line for a half hour. We're addicted to lines. We can't stop waiting. We make it to the front, and Brian, boy genius, tells us he doesn't have anything for us. At this point we declare this as complete malarkey and start blabbering big cities at him as if that's going to make a difference. Lightbulb moment: Dallas. He calls a friend who apparently owed him a favor - re routes us from the flight we missed heading to Miami to a flight from Denver to Dallas at 10:03 the next morning, and from Dallas to Sao Paolo at 7:30 the next night. This would arrive at 7:40 Saturday morning, a full 2 hours later than Augusto who had left his cozy abode in Los Angeles a full 15 hours after us. It's now 12:45 in the morning and we have flown for one hour. Backwards.
Team Spirit: Sinking
Part V: Comfort suites, hold the suite
What we expected: To get a hotel to sleep in for 6 hours, maximum, before leaving back for the airport the next morning. I called Allianz Insurance (who we had purchased travel insurance with on our flight) in Omaha before the Denver flight, when we suspected we wouldn't make it to Miami. They insured me they would set me up with a room in the area and leave me a voicemail as to where the hotel was, so that upon arrival we could simply re-book our flight and proceed to said hotel.
Part V: Comfort suites, hold the suite
What we expected: To get a hotel to sleep in for 6 hours, maximum, before leaving back for the airport the next morning. I called Allianz Insurance (who we had purchased travel insurance with on our flight) in Omaha before the Denver flight, when we suspected we wouldn't make it to Miami. They insured me they would set me up with a room in the area and leave me a voicemail as to where the hotel was, so that upon arrival we could simply re-book our flight and proceed to said hotel.
What actually happened: After landing
in Denver, I turned my phone on and received a voicemail that was 0 seconds
long. Helpful. I called Allianz back...their office was closed. Thanks, guys! I
blindly call two hotels in the Denver airport area and found that both were
completely sold out, and both additionally told me the entire area was sold
out. Becca starts making calls and, ridiculously, gets a room at the Comfort
Suites. What a clutch play! She calls and asks if they have a shuttle for us,
and they respond, "Yep, 506 Island 3," which, to someone foreign to
the airport, translates to, "Just wander around aimlessly until you find
something resembling a shuttle." We find it, and we're home free. We make
it to the hotel at 1, ready for a short 6-hour snooze.
What actually happened after what actually happened (this will blow your mind): We arrive, and nobody is at the front desk for about 15 minutes because that would be too easy and make too much sense. Lady gets to front desk - NO ROOM. Nope. None. Nothing. Becca has them look up the reservation and the neuroscientists at Hotels.com had booked it for the next night, despite explicit instructions not to. At this point, I'm quite sure Becca almost suffered a severe cerebral stroke. She turns around and tells me (fully prostrate, almost sleeping, on a couch across the lobby on this point) there's no room, and I raise my hands in a helpless gesture of "We're actually going to die tonight," don't say anything, and walk around the corner where I pull 700 strands of hair out. Becca quietly proceeds outside for a breath of fresh air and possibly some tears, and we are re-booked across town.
What actually happened after what actually happened (this will blow your mind): We arrive, and nobody is at the front desk for about 15 minutes because that would be too easy and make too much sense. Lady gets to front desk - NO ROOM. Nope. None. Nothing. Becca has them look up the reservation and the neuroscientists at Hotels.com had booked it for the next night, despite explicit instructions not to. At this point, I'm quite sure Becca almost suffered a severe cerebral stroke. She turns around and tells me (fully prostrate, almost sleeping, on a couch across the lobby on this point) there's no room, and I raise my hands in a helpless gesture of "We're actually going to die tonight," don't say anything, and walk around the corner where I pull 700 strands of hair out. Becca quietly proceeds outside for a breath of fresh air and possibly some tears, and we are re-booked across town.
Team Spirit: Lost
Part
VI: Ongoing
What we expect to happen: Make it to
Dallas by 1, on to Sao Paolo to arrive the next morning at 8 a.m.
What actually happened: Well, we’re sitting here in the Dallas VIP lounge, feeling good to finally get aboard our flight in an hour, and…………FLIGHT CANCELLED. This should be fun. Will post from Sao Paolo. Or Chicago. Or Miami. Or WHAT IN GOD’S GREEN EARTH IS GOING ON?!?!!!!!
What actually happened: Well, we’re sitting here in the Dallas VIP lounge, feeling good to finally get aboard our flight in an hour, and…………FLIGHT CANCELLED. This should be fun. Will post from Sao Paolo. Or Chicago. Or Miami. Or WHAT IN GOD’S GREEN EARTH IS GOING ON?!?!!!!!
Team Spirit: EVERYBODY PANIC.
That’s all for now! How was your Thursday and Friday?
***UPDATE: 6:35 p.m.***
You can't make this stuff up. In the middle of writing the last post, our flight to Sao Paolo from Dallas was just cancelled with 0 delays, 0 warnings, and 0 happiness. Becca and Megan shook me out of my blogging zone with this update, and the world immediately starting melting. Actually it didn't, but that would be a good excuse to cancel a flight. I called our wizardry friend Shelley, and the backup plan was to split up, route me to LA and the girls to Miami. They get in in the morning, me tomorrow night. Whatever. I was emotionally numb at this point anyways. I was about to run to get in line, when, 5 minutes later, I get a call from Megan and Becca who had frantically stormed the United gate agent with pitchforks and torches: "We got a ticket!!" We're delayed an hour and a half, but we got a ticket. HOW, you ask??? Well, Becca turning into a raging bull is how. "IF WE'RE NOT ON THAT FLIGHT I'M GOING TO RAISE HELL UP IN HERE," (Quote of the year?) she declared. Gate agent's response: "Please don't, or I'm going to have to call the cops." But that did it. The flight is downsized and delayed and 50 people were booted from it, but thanks to some incredible mental fortitude, we've got this. And we're about to raise hell in Sao Paulo.
Team Spirit: Optimistic? Sorta?
That’s all for now! How was your Thursday and Friday?
***UPDATE: 6:35 p.m.***
You can't make this stuff up. In the middle of writing the last post, our flight to Sao Paolo from Dallas was just cancelled with 0 delays, 0 warnings, and 0 happiness. Becca and Megan shook me out of my blogging zone with this update, and the world immediately starting melting. Actually it didn't, but that would be a good excuse to cancel a flight. I called our wizardry friend Shelley, and the backup plan was to split up, route me to LA and the girls to Miami. They get in in the morning, me tomorrow night. Whatever. I was emotionally numb at this point anyways. I was about to run to get in line, when, 5 minutes later, I get a call from Megan and Becca who had frantically stormed the United gate agent with pitchforks and torches: "We got a ticket!!" We're delayed an hour and a half, but we got a ticket. HOW, you ask??? Well, Becca turning into a raging bull is how. "IF WE'RE NOT ON THAT FLIGHT I'M GOING TO RAISE HELL UP IN HERE," (Quote of the year?) she declared. Gate agent's response: "Please don't, or I'm going to have to call the cops." But that did it. The flight is downsized and delayed and 50 people were booted from it, but thanks to some incredible mental fortitude, we've got this. And we're about to raise hell in Sao Paulo.
Team Spirit: Optimistic? Sorta?
No comments:
Post a Comment