One night in Narbonne - S'Go!

Il a essayé de me violer!!

Translation: “He tried to rape me!” Opened Goose’s pocket French book and that was the first phrase I read/learned. I instantly concluded that this was a sign, and due to the general air of flamboyance surrounding males in the French culture, this was going to be the handiest (no play on words intended - gross) phrase I could be armed with while in this country.

Arrived in Narbonne and this trip suddenly made far less sense. I grew up speaking Latin, Cantonese and Portuguese in my family (sarcasm – my family couldn’t be more white) so I speak 0 French with exception to “he tried to rape me,” and Goose was interlacing Spanish with French for a bit. Couldn’t read anything and couldn’t understand any maps being in such a small, pure French town, and ordering food was a wild affair. But we made it through day 1 thanks to Goose’s brain working as Neo’s in The Matrix – he swiftly grasped that he was The One through some sort of prophecy, realizing he’s essentially fluent after a couple weeks in France two years ago and flipping through his French pocket book in the morning. Makes sense. Just plug it in the brain and we’re good!

Morpheus - download the "fluent Frenchman" program into me.

So it’s off to Marseille with my new French friend. S’GO! (Side note: this has become the phrase of the trip. I.e.: “Hey soo wanna see the cathedral now and eat in the town square after?” “Yep - S’go!” I.e.: “Goose – it’s 2 p.m. and we’re still in bed in Barcelona, S’GOOOOOO!”)



But first, Narbonne’s Euroromp Power Ranking:

Hostel: 6.  

It was located a stone’s throw (or four if you’re my girly French Murse-toting friend Goose) from a Castle/Cathedral which is always fun. And the hotel clerk was cute? Stayed in a small two-person room because apparently Goose decided that if any French people doubted that we are dating/married beforehand, those doubts may be put to rest via our room selection. Nice. The shower was a display of pure French ingenuity – why have a shower separate from the rest of the room when you can have a hole in the floor right next to the sink and a complimentary water-pusher to make sure the room doesn’t collapse from flash flooding? Genius. Also, sneaking suspicions that a child had formerly defecated on the wall. Aside from that, good spot!

Innovation.

Food: 8.5.

Lack of French came back to haunt me. After 6 strait dinners ending around 1030, we left the hostel at 10 and found one (1) restaurant open – the nicest in town. This was great because we are really rich kids fresh out of college and just want to spend lots and lots of money! Get it outta here! We hate money! That was the first problem – the second was when I ordered “Tartare le beoueuoufffe” or something. The waiter and Goose both looked at me like I had just shot a child. Sure enough, thinking he was going to plop a nice juicy French steak in front of me, he drops a hunk of raw, uncooked meat with a salad and fries down. The blood was still flowing through it. MMMMMMmm - yummy! About 8 seconds later it was on Goose’s plate, who had undergone a sudden transformation from a flamboyant Frenchman to savage Dothraki and absolutely polished it.

Next time I'm just getting the raw ferret!

Goose crushing a baguette with goat cheese and goose liver. "One of my favorite snacks."

..But the quiche in the afternoon and severe carbo load in the morning were lovely.

Sites: 8.5. Thanks to Band of Brothers, this was exactly as I imagined quaint little French towns. Minus the exceptional levels of gore, buildings exploding around me, legs falling off, friends being shot in the head and French civilians curled up in their small cute houses. Really was an awesome walk-around spot.

^personal opinion: one of the better battle scenes of all time.

Best site: Catedral de St. Jue – 8. Extremely surprising they had such an oversized, immense church for how little the town square and everything was. Goose and I concluded the size-of-church-per-capacity number was probably the biggest in the world. The cathedral probably sat 100 and was like 2,000 feet tall.

Nightlife: 3. Unfortunately Narbonne is trying to hack it with the big boys. It’s like in high school when kids from Brownell Talbot’s 8-man football team would say “Yea we’d be good if we had 12 times as many kids.” That’s great and real cute, but unfortunately doesn’t get them far. We gave Narbonne the benefit of the doubt being a Monday night and being a small town in French Riviera – an inherent disadvantage.

In total, Narbonne comes in with a 36/50 – a passing grade. Narbonne taking over 1^st would have been like a 13-seed winning March Madness, so, true to most mid-major schools, it fell just short.
Updated rankings:
1) Madrid – 44
2) Barca – 43.5 
3) Narbonne – 36