Left Goose behind (FINALLY!) to meet up with Timothy Walden
at his family’s baller new flat in London. London’s scenery was almost exactly
as I pictured it, but the people weren’t: the buildings and roads were all old
school and pubs infested every street corner, but the general populace actually
had reasonable haircuts and fair dental plans, contrasting popular stereotypes.
Because Tim had been spending all summer laying the
smackdown on the MCAT he was previously unavailable to do awesome tourist
activities until he finished that garbage and I arrived. So we took a page out
of the “Smashmouth Tourism” playbook and efficiently crushed the city during
the days and nights. Some findings:
-
The hats that guards in front of Bucky’s House
(Buckingham Palace) and London Tower wear are utterly ridiculous, large, and
impractical. But they are useful for this:
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| Why? |
-
According to a misinformed and nonsensical
children’s song, “London Bridge is falling down, falling down, my fair lady.” Tim
and I agreed this song is just entirely false and asinine and needs to be banished
from children’s musical selections everywhere. I personally witnessed the
London Bridge in all her glory and not only is it not falling down but it is
perfectly upright, intact, and a beautiful structure. That’s how rumors get
started, kids. Probably written by the same group that stated, “Jimmy cracked
corn, and I don’t care.” Horrible people. And don’t even get me started with
Fergie’s remix.
-
Bangers and Mash sounds like either a sexual
maneuver or a duo of villains from a cheap action film, but in London it is
sausage and mashed potatoes. And it is delicious.
-
The British Pound is brutally destroying the
U.S. Dollar (1.56 dollars to a pound), which presents a quandary for the common
traveler who happens to be fresh out of college, jobless, constantly begging
his father for money, and previously bought 8 too many gelatos and 1 or 5 too
many steaks in France and Spain.
-
ESPN published an article comparing the Olympic
village to a preposterous scene of boisterous horny athletes getting wildly and
inappropriately drunk after their events are over and going on ridiculous
weeklong romps with fellow athletes. Also, arriving at the village for them is
apparently “like the first day of college” again. We did not get to witness any
of this except for the Olympic Village itself, which is really nice and really
expensive retail galore.
With that, I give London’s power ranking, and the EUROROMP POWER
RANKINGS FINAL STANDINGS:
Hostel – 10
Stayed at Waldo’s which included a meal as well as a TV
equipped with karaoke, provoking life-changing performances from the Walden brethren
which may just land them a tour someday. Anything less than a 10 would be a
great insult to him as well as his family and I just don’t have that in me
considering how nice of a gesture it was. Bonus: they’ll also be hosting Goose
(Tim’s future roommate at Duke. Fun fact.) next week, which may just push the
hostel rating over a 10 for the first time ever.
Food – 8.5
Getting closer to American food, except for the waitress
that looked at me like I just pulled a skull out of my raincoat when I asked
for ranch dressing with one of my four orders of fries over two days. Fish and chips with some mash served as
my quintessential London meal for the trip. I was also fortunate to discover
the beauty of a Juicy Lucy, a burger injected with cheese. This may demand a
future outrageously impulsive pilgrimage to the Juicy Lucy’s true origins:
Minneapolis.
Sites – 9
If you had bionic legs and prosthetic joints built for
tourism as well as an Oyster card with unlimited Underground funds you still
wouldn’t be able to do this whole city in two days. We missed a bit, but we
managed to hit Bucky’s Place, Westminster Abbey, Large Benjamin, London Bridge,
London Tower, Trafalgar square, Leicester Square (pronounced Lester, as in the
formerly dominant Sox pitcher that now throws like a Halfling dwarf), Olympic
Village, the Imperial War Museum, and streets full of pubs and fish and chip
shops, which was a pretty good start, and all pretty awesome, despite the fact
that it rains 18 hours a day, every day.
 |
| Large Benny |
 |
| Suck it, Nazism. |
Best Site – London Tower
– 9
We had about an hour and a half to take down this overpriced castle. The ticket lady told us this was probably a bad idea…so we did it anyways. We basically saw it all (we think) from the medieval armory to the crown jewels. The kings’ armory included one obnoxious suit of armor made for Henry V to blatantly put his manparts on parade and declare dominance over all other males in his army, which we thoroughly enjoyed:
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| Henry Five with some stellar rigging |
We also got a taste of how the kings lived by walking around
the castle grounds and, of course, seeing their toilets. One of the more
ridiculous and disgusting yet genius things I learned on the entire trip was
that their toilets were just cement holes that led down the back of the castle
(no pipes) into troughs a couple stories below. They hung their clothes right
next to this trough because the pee that incessantly hit their clothes
apparently kept moths away. I have no idea who the first person was to pee on
their clothes and declare it beneficial, but he/she is some sort of bold
genius.
 |
| Probably cheap |
Side note: Imperial War Museum WAS going to win Best
Site, but Tower of London was cool and enlightening inside and out, not just
inside. Additionally, we left the Imperial War Museum appetite-less and
completely depressed after the Holocaust portion showed us pictures of millions
of dead innocent children and such.
 |
| World Wars look fun!! |
Nightlife – 7.5
Met up with Steve Selde who served as part tour guide and
part ridiculous storyteller all three nights. The pubs were cool but for some
reason shut down at 11 or 12 every night, as if the town is made of an entirely
geriatric population. That was weird, but still fun.
With a strong 43 from London, I give the final power
rankings to close out the Euroromp:
1) Rome - 46
1) Prague - 46
2) Paris - 44.75
3) Madrid - 44
4) Barca - 43.5
5) London - 43
6) San Sebastian - 42.5
7) Amsterdam - 42
8) Pamplona - 41.75
9) Vienna - 41.5
9) Venice - 41.5
10) Nice - 41
11) Brussels - 40.75
12) Frankfurt - 40
13) Genoa - 39.5
14) Florence - 39.25
15) Berlin - 39
15) Bordeux - 39
16) Marseille - 38
17) Narbonne - 36
I would like to personally thank all friends and family for
the support on this trip. Without my parents none of this would have been
possible because a) they gave birth to me and b) they funded everything. Without
all my awesome friends and their tips I would have never a) known where to go
and b) had anyone to travel with and put up with me (especially Goose) and c)
had a pizza and desert calzone from Dar Poeta in Rome which, we all agreed,
changed our lives.
The blog garnered about 4,000 views in my 5 weeks of
writing, which is excellent for a quickly drawn up travel blog. Obviously, 98% of these hits are due to me and my countless
number of friends, and the other 2% from Tom, John, Ben, Will, Becca, and Goose’s
friends (I’m THAT COOL), meaning 98% of this thank you is from me. So, to each of
you reading now: thank you very much just for caring, and I will hopefully see
you all somewhere soon.
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| Ring Challenge Update: Olympian Status Ring-wearing Achieved. |
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